Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My life with Autism.

I saw you, looking at me as I was slightly frazzled and exhausted, as I worked out my food order for my son and I while we were eating at Elmer's in our little town of Poulsbo. I always ask to be seated way in the back and far from anyone around us. I know the two waitresses that work on certain days and when my cousin Henry will be the cook in the back.  Keeping that ever watchful third eye on my little boy, with his thick brown mop of hair and innocent exuberance. I see HIS energy, and lack of impulse control, flip flopping back and forth, lunging from seat to seat, starting to cry when the whip cream came on the pancakes they were no longer the same size and the chocolate chips were melted. That is when he lost his mind. 

I noted your exasperation and said nothing, simply smiling playful son. When you looked down and then glared at me because my child was having a hard time. Telling me that I should keep him home and not in public. Well saying it to your husband loud enough to have the three tables in our small out of the way section hear. I couldn't help but turn red faced and in a low sigh, I looked at the two little elderly ladies that were looking at me with understanding & pity, I said,"He's Autistic," my heart breaking, looking in the two ladies eyes I knew at that moment that their hearts broke for me as well. Because the one sweet lady looked at me and sweetly said I'VE BEEN THERE, and when you looked squarely at me and said, "My grandson has Autism. I get it, I also raised four boys all thirteen months apart." we locked eyes and I said, "Yeah, I thought you seemed like you understood" You got it, like we ALL do. Except those two, and I know it didn't seem very adult like but shooting the glare at the middle age couple that had been giving us the dirty looks and loud enough comments at the time made me feel so much better, even just for a few moments. 

I gave a deep sigh and said, "It's been a... LONG... three... years..." Perhaps I should not speculate ON YOUR THOUGHTS, but having SAID those words before, I'd like to THINK that more people out there would be more understanding... I always have the feeling of guilt for having to admit that I am so far from being superhuman, that yes, the years have been long; for perhaps being frustrated, or worn down, or unsure, or scared, or uncertain, or - yes- even royally pissed off... I totally thought that I would be a great mom. Looking at one public outing and having him have a melt down that I couldn't control or help calm him down makes me feel like the worlds worst mom.    

It's been almost a  years since B-man's diagnosis, and almost three years leading up to it and his diagnosis of Cerebal Palsy,  B-man's first year of life was super busy with Doctors and hospital stays, we knew something just was a little off and after a year in OT, Speech and Physical Therapy, Akami, Pam and Amber all had at one point or another told us the things that we had already known...that he was behind his twin brother developmentally, we were really unconcerned for the most part, until we began to notice more serious issues. Decreased speech to the point of being non-verbal... Constantly seeking out patterns; at two years old, B-man could literally sit on a kindle for HOURS, recite in actions his favorite Mickey movies. He had near photographic memory for numbers. His physical habits, such as the need to run headlong into the sofa as hard as he possibly could, and the constant need for physical contact, came in waves, directly contrasting the moments of utter "drop out," when he could literally walk in front of a speeding car if you didn't have him in a vice grip, because he just "wasn't there" at that time... 

It was and is very terrifying. We moved to our home in a new school district and B-man started to go to a head start pre-school and he even gets to ride a bus, with a bus driver that grew up with my Dad, its the best thing about being in a small town. Then there is his new teacher Pat she is simply amazing with him and the aides that help out in the class, because of this he is making small strides at getting to a better place and together him and I are finding our voices. 

The difficulty bringing him places, because of my own issues of inferiority as a mother... Concerns that were often reinforced by people's judgmental comments, cruel looks, and having no explanation for it... there was this beautiful, loving, amazing little boy in there. I was in denial about the Autism being part of what was going on. I thought that this behavior was just his way of telling us how he was feeling, that it couldn't be anything more then the CP that we were already aware that he had. Eventually though, denial grew into suspicion, as our parental instincts finally won out. Finally came the guilt, as I realized that my husband and I were in WAY over our heads. The only way that we would do right by our child and get him the proper care and diagnosis he needed was to bring in the experts. 

On August 13th 2014, as I sat at Children's Hospital in Seattle, with its child friendly decor and my mom by my side our little B-man not being able to sit sill for three minutes and finding only joy with putting his small little hands in the stream of water in the stainless steel sink. Dr McGlophlin look at me in my eyes and I heard the words, "Autism." and started to feel like my world was falling in on me.  He continued to talk and all I heard was the voice from Snoopy unable to really catch anything he was saying. 

And THAT was DAY ONE, not even a year ago yet.
I will be sharing my experiences not because I am an expert at any extent. Nor have I even be able to come to terms yet with things yet, but because my unknown friend that just stumbled across this blog right now, needed to find this, to read this and feel like its going to be ok.  That in the last three years, of fumbling to find what is wrong with my son.  Sobbing in the shower because it is a place that he can't hear me. In the car on the way home from one of the many appointments that I was told to something new.I have aged at least TEN YEARS, easily. 

Being an "Autism Mom" for a the little under a year now, has made me more tolerant, in public or otherwise, of every type of child, with the exception, oddly enough, of my own... I still have that underlying anxiety that my two beautiful boys are going to be beyond my control. I do the one on one time with them with ease and cancel a lot of times when we have plans. So please, if I seem stressed out or impatient, exhausted, or snippy please try to and not judge me a bad parent... And understand, that this is NOT an apology for my kids, or an explanation. It's strictly an explanation of myself. Also I will never applogize to the people that give the dirty looks, or make the ill-mannered and just at the volume that can be heard comments. Horrible comments that hurt and cut deeply. I often will snap back at you and the looks you give will pail in comparison to the look I will give back.  

What I know is that my baby is so unique, and will face many challenges, some so great it's going to feel very devastating, but there is not a single Autism Mom that I have EVER met that doesn't not believe that their child is anything but a million beautiful colors of the spectrum. 

I hope you enjoy my Journey. I would love to hear about yours. 



Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Wordless Wednesday!!!

This amazing picture is of my Grandpa and his sisters and brothers 
school in 1922. 
The same school that today my little 
is going to for Pre-school. 
This makes my heart so full! 


Monday, April 6, 2015

Tempt My Tummy Tuesday.

Salisbury Steak Meatballs....

I decided that I would do a recipe that is budget friendly and that is so yummy, quick and a recipe that is kid friendly!

Salisbury steak is always a cheap meat. Most of the time I use them to make cheap burger with a gravy over the top of the meat and a mashed potatoes under all of it. So good! 


An easy, comforting, budget-friendly meal that the whole family will love. You can also make the meatballs ahead of time and put them in your freezer so you are able to use them as needed!


8 ounce package egg noodles
1 pound ground beef
1/3 cup Italian style bread crumbs
2 tablespoon ketchup
2 tablespoons dijon mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 large egg yolks
2 tablespoons Brown Sugar BBQ sauce
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
4 tablespoons unsalted butter

2 cups beef broth, divided, or more, to taste
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 onion, thinly sliced
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon ketchup
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves


In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package instructions; drain well.
In a large bowl, combine ground beef, bread crumbs, ketchup, mustard, Worcestershire and egg yolks; season with salt and pepper, to taste. Using clean hands, mix until well combined. Roll the mixture into 1 1/4-to-1 1/2-inch meatballs, forming about 20 meatballs. Place meat in oil sprayed Cup cake pans. Cook in oven at 375 and for 30 minutes take out and set aside. 

Melt butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Add meatballs, in batches, and cook until all sides are browned, about 4-5 minutes. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate.

To make the gravy, whisk together 1/2 cup beef broth and cornstarch in a small bowl; set aside. Add onions to the skillet and cook until golden brown and translucent, about 2-3 minutes. Whisk in remaining 1 1/2 cups beef broth, Worcestershire and ketchup until well combined, about 1-2 minutes.
Bring to a boil; reduce heat and gradually whisk in cornstarch mixture. 

Stir in meatballs until cooked through and the sauce has thickened, about 3-4 minutes. Add more beef broth as needed until desired consistency is reached.

Serve immediately with egg noodles, garnished with parsley, if desired.


Adapted from Pioneer Women & Damn Delicious


Sunday, April 5, 2015

Meet Me Monday

1. What did you wear to prom? Include a picture if possible.
Ready for this amazing photo. I hated my hair. I was never in for the big hair look, but 
Cory my date was one of my best guy friends. I don't think he ever knew how big of a 
crush I had on him! He past away a few years after high school from a awful motorcycle 
accident.  It was our friends first loss of anyone we went to school with. He is always in my heart and thoughts I feel very blessed to have these pics! The other picture is of my best friend from High school Sarah. We had so very many fun memories and I love that I can look back at these pictures and smile....and laugh at myself. 

2. Would you rather be on the biggest loser or a food eating challenge?

 Food Eating Challenge for sure even though I probably could use to go on the biggest loser!  Not to loose a ton of weight but to become that much more healthier, but give me a food challenge with a food like say Ice cream or s'mores and I will be the winner every time!!! 
3. Name one favorite drink? Refreshing summer drink? 
I love sweet tea but I can't have any because there is way to much sugar and being a type 1 that isn't  a option. When my mom and I went to California McDonalds they had sugar free sweet tea and it was amazing so if we can get that up this way that would be amazing....  
4. What was your first car, and what did you call it?
A 1980's Honda Civic.....
 5. What's one thing your child or spouse does that sends you over the edge?  Oh there is so many things lol! The biggest one is the fact that I can tell him a hundred times to do something and on the hundredth and one time he will do it, but be mad that I was on his rear end to get it done... I only do it because I want to make sure that its done.  That and I might just be a wee bit of a control 
freak! Plus I kind like love this guy a lot a little...ALOT! Making up is so much fun!!!


Thursday, January 22, 2015

Kingstongirl is back......

I have been so busy after having the boys that I just couldn't give Kingstongirl the amazing attention that it so needed. This is and always will be my very first baby, my blood sweat and tears.  I took a step back and threw myself into getting the swing of things with being a mom.  Hub's has been going to school for two years and still has about two years left to go. We also had moved down to North Tacoma and fell in love with it, but home is always home.  
When I stopped doing the whole Kingstongirl gig my heart was really heavy. I knew in my heart of hearts I would be back when the time was right.  I blogged on a pretty small scale blog about my adventures this far in parenthood. I stepped back also for the simple reason that some people started to hate on what I was doing. That I thought I was better then everyone. The fact is I just love to write and blog and entertain people. Promoting new business, and hosting events at various venues that need a shout out.  I love meeting new people.  I don't think I am better then anyone or that I need to be the center of attention. If you like my blog then great! If you don't then don't. If you don't like me I am so sorry. If you do, thanks! I like you too. I have changed in the last three years so completely that I am sure you will see the difference in my writing. If you knew me before and you see me now I am hoping you will notice the difference right away.
I have tired to do things to fill this space but this is what I was born to do. Something that when I don't do it there is an emptiness and a piece of me that seemed to be missing.
So hold on, this next chapter of Kingstongirl has a lot of new and exciting things about to happen!


Friday, June 1, 2012

Celebrating the Baptism of the twins.

Two weeks ago we had a lot to celebrate. Our ten year anniversary &
most importantly the Baptism of the twins. It was beautiful and so meaningful to our entire family. The first on my bucket list of doing milestones with the twins. There will be many of them. Many I never thought that I would be able to experiecne.

Over their isolette I prayed down upon each of them. Anytime at the begining I would hear a beep or a buzz I would feel my heart drop to the bottom of my tummy.  I would reach in and hand hold one of them at a time, always longing for the time that I could hold them and  be with them at the same time. Baby B was never able to be held for very long all the way until the end of his stay. It would just be way to much for him. Baby F would just lay on me and cuddle. He still loves to cuddle. Anyway's, when I would hand hold them I would pray with everthing I had in me, my entier being and with my entire soul. 

One day when both of my boys were having a pretty hard day, a really hard day on this mama. I prayed that I would raise them in a walk and relationship with God. Now until this I hadn't been to great with my own walk with God. It had been a number of years that I had in most was turned my back and walked the other way all together. The reason now doesn't make sense but this is what I thought at the time. I was so overwhelmed with being childless and not having a baby to call my own to hold close and to love was at times to much for me to bare. I couldn't understand why I was the one that couldn't have children when people I know could pop them out like thier Vajayjay was a freaking clown car!  I was angry with God because of that, so hurt and upset that I walked away from all my beliefs. I now know that this is what he needed me to go through to come back.  The first day that they were in the NICU I went to the Chapel at the hospital from then on I was there everyday, sometimes more then once. I prayed one day so hard in that prayer I prayed this:

Heavenly father,
I pray that you will save my babies, that you will show me how to parent and be the best mommy to the two of them. I will remember every second of everyday that you are the one the blessed me with these two precious gifts that only you Lord God could so wonderfuly give to us. I promise that I will raise them up to love you and honor you Lord, I promise that they will be children of God and I will show them by the way I live my life in a way that will honor you lord. Please just save their lives. I couldn't imagine what I would do if they were taken from me now. I don't think I could make it through that great of loss. I don't think you Lord would make it possible to have these babies created from Hubs and I, carried by Chrystal. Bringing famlies closer and truly showing people the great love our family has for one another.
Please Lord allow me to raise my beautiful boys for them to be men of God. They are made to do great things. The first thing I will do when they are strong enough is to have them be celebrated as your children at their baptism. Please Lord just make them live.

In Jesus name,

Time past and they got strong enough to start planning their baptism. It is the first thing I did. I didn't ask that God would make them perfect, I prayed he would save them. No matter what they will always be perfect to me. Having them at the NICU made me remember my walk with God. It made me the person I use to be, before I was sick, before I turned into someone I wasn't that proud of. I didn't know how different I was without God or my boys.
Pastor Coe, from Grace Luthern Church  in Port Townsend was amazing to our boys and to our family. The entire service was centered around the boys and their goals we have to all hold them up to. We were so welcomed and so loved. The entire church was so warm and inviting. One thing I didn't know at the time that was going to happen was that we would find a church to call home. We will take the boys to this chuch and celebrate milestones and moments in our lives as a family.  Hub's will have Sundays off this summer so we are going to go up as much as we can to attend our church.

The God parents were choosen for the love they have showed our boys sense even before they were born. Baby F's God parents are Bon & Chrystal. & Baby B is Erin & Allie. The only sister that was left out is Kerry and she is the best Auntie in the entire world. Turth be told my boys have the best Aunties ever. They are so blessed with the family that they were born into. All the love they have for them is amazing. This event made us all so much closer.  I can't wait to cross the next event and milestone off the baby bucket list.
Our Beautiful Family!


Thursday, May 31, 2012

Do you ever want to run away?

I have been feeling like I just need to run away. Not from my family, to my family. Not from my friends but to start fresh, I had a ton of people that viewed my blog. Now the amount of people are down a little bit. Do I let this one go and start another one filled with things I am into now? Do I re-vamp this and go from there instead?

I don't feel like I can leave this completely. I love to write, I love to blog. I love the community of blogging. I loved the direction that writing was bringing me and where it brought me. Now I have to figure it out. I waited to blog untill I got the boys home, then I waited until things settled down. Now I am getting in the swing of things and slowly starting to find my way back to writing.

I never know where I will go or where my writing will take me. I would just like to try and figure it out. I need something that the boys can look back on and read and be proud of me for.
I use to write about great places I traveld to and events I was part of. I want to do this but center this around being a parent. If you read my blog I would love to hear your thoughts.

I have to find a direction and hopefully do it soon. What do you like to read? What would you rather not have to read?


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